Yesterday was a really bad day for me. I had writers block. I just couldn’t think of a topic to write about. I spent an hour looking for inspiration and was sat staring at a blank screen for a long while.
You see all I could think about was how much I had to do. Aurora wasn’t in the best of moods and kept wanting my attention so as you could imagine my concentration was shot. Kiiara had been crying at the same time because she was overtired too. Being a stay-at-home Mum is hard work but I also hold my hands up to the working Mums – I just don’t know how they do it.
Some days I feel like i’ve got this. I can manage to deal with 4 children and get everything done and even have a smile on my face at the end of it (especially when they’re in bed of course), but yesterday I just felt completely overwhelmed with all of it.
It felt like too much is expected of me – I can’t do all of it. I’m only human. I spent so much time fretting over what to write about. It was nearly time to collect the older children from school and the flat was a tip. I hadn’t managed to do anything other than the washing in-between sorting out the girl’s. I felt like I was on a merry go-round that just wouldn’t stop spinning. I was in a loop of things I had to do but they just were out of my reach.
I’ve always kept my mouth shut about things that are bothering me until it builds up and I become a ticking time bomb that could explode any minute. I’ve been trying to change that as i’ve gotten older and instead communicate about how i’m feeling about things to avoid unnecessary confrontations.
Plus i’m real nasty when I lose my temper. I tend to try and avoid this from happening.
I could feel my frustration of yesterday building into anger and I felt like I needed to go for a walk to clear my head. That wasn’t a possible option though as we live on the top floor and I had the girl’s to attend to.
Instead I felt like I had to suffer in silence and just get on with it. Selfish as it may seem I just wanted to have a few minutes to myself and take a breather. Everybody in this household thinks i’m superwoman – the Mum is always the one expected to hold it together but i’m not just Mum, i’m Zoe too. I have feelings just like everybody else. I feel stressed like everybody else.
I wasn’t in the best of moods. It felt like everything was just going wrong. Things were being put in place to just piss me off. As we went to collect the children I forgot Wyatt asked me to bring his plush parrot to school until he had a major meltdown because I didn’t bring it with me. This day just seemed to be getting worse by the minute. Faith also decided to argue with me on the way home. My tipping point was starting to sway further.
When we arrived home, Faith and Wyatt went next door and spent a bit of time with Auntie Lisa which meant Mummy could have a bit of a breather and could clean up the kitchen too. I spoke to Liam about how I was feeling, which resulted in downing a glass of wine as we had a disagreement because we saw things differently with a difference of opinion on the subject.
In the end after all 4 children were all acting up at the same time, I thought enough was enough. I needed some time to just think or just sit in peace and quiet. We finally got them to bed. I realised that I was going to just let yesterday and all those negative feelings slide right over my head.
I felt satisfied I got my point across. I shared how I was feeling, and although it may not have got me anywhere, it avoided confrontation and an exploding Mummy. It can only get better. I’m hoping today is a better day but if things do go wrong, please send wine!
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