Reliving the Moment of a Heartbreaking Loss – Anniversary of my Dad’s Passing

The anniversary of my dad’s passing approaches and I continue to reminisce of the good-old days when he was still around. Losing him has been hard this first year without him. Read about how I’ve dealt with it and more here!

It is slowly approaching the 7th of July, which is an emotional day for Me and my family. It will be a year since my Daddy passed away.

I still remember that day like it was yesterday. The dreaded phone call I received in the morning to tell me that I needed to go see my Dad quickly because he was struggling to breath and wasn’t going to survive much longer (if you haven’t already read my detailed post about it, check it out first here).

The panic I felt contacting Liam to take me there as soon as possible too. Arriving too late to say my goodbyes, seeing my Mum fall apart before my eyes, and having took me to see my Dad just lying there motionless on his bed. It still feels so raw even though it’s been a year since he left us.

I honestly can’t believe it’s been a year already. I know my Dad would want me to continue living my life without it getting me down but I can’t say it hasn’t. A years past since he’s been a complete numpty and made me giggle. A year since i’ve received texts or a phone calls telling me he loves me. A year since I heard his voice and inappropriate jokes. A year too long to be without my Dad.

You see my Dad and I were close. He was always the person i’d turn to if I felt down, and even in my 20s I still went and had a cuddle with him. It would feel just that little bit better and even if he didn’t say much, we’d just watch his soap opera’s and would express how some of the characters drove him crackers and how he’d know exactly what was going to happen in the storyline. He was right most of the time and had to point it out with “What did I tell you?”.

Losing my dad was not something i’d ever thought would happen. It was just one of those things. I thought he’d be around forever. Logically I know that’s not possible but you get the jist.

I remember saying to him just a week before he died that he’s got to stick around until Liam and I get married.

He replied back,

“I ain’t going to live till i’m 90 Zo.” (He was 71).

He definitely had a great sense of humour and was extremely outspoken which was a trait I loved about him. His honesty always got people laughing but also sometimes it too pissed people off. He was definitely a one-of-a-kind, my old Dad.

I’m grateful i’ve got the memories I have of my childhood growing up. They were good times but I also miss the memories we could have made. I was pregnant with Kiiara when my Dad became sick but he passed away before we could tell him what we were having. Our scan was 10 days after he died. He didn’t get chance to meet her either, which completely broke my heart.

I don’t think grief ever goes away – you just keep on going because you have to. I keep going for my children and Liam but I still have my bad days where I wish I could just see him one last time or just hear his voice for a little while. I find anniversaries, birthdays and Father’s day the hardest. It’s just knowing they can’t be there when you really want them to be.

For him not being able to see his grandchildren grow up is another major factor that I really struggle with. He’s not going to be around for birthdays. All i’ve got is stories to tell of the crazy old man that was Mummys hero.

I miss him, I really do and there isn’t one day that goes by that I don’t think about him. I just try and hold on to the memories I have of him from just a few weeks before he passed away where he still remained upbeat as much as he could.

 

This post is a tribute to my beloved Dad. We miss you so much and will love you forever. You will never be forgotten!

 

R.I.P John Warren 07/07/2017

 

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-Zoe

 

Featured Photo by Matthias Zomer from Pexels

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How I Deal With Grief

Coping with a lost one can certainly be difficult. I share my experiences and ways of dealing with the loss of my Dad. Read about it here!

I was sat thinking yesterday how time flies-by so quickly – You blink and 8 months have passed by. I was having one of those days where I was missing my Dad. I do every day but some days are worse than others.

If you haven’t already, you can read about the loss of my Dad here first. 

Liam got the brunt of it but he knows what I’m like so he’s used to it. I didn’t want to cry but instead I became angry and frustrated, and very snappy. I’m just guessing that’s a normal part of dealing with grief.

Losing my Dad turned my world upside down even more so knowing he wouldn’t get to meet his granddaughter, which was a big thing for me. He passed away 10 days before my scan date to find out whether she was a girl or a boy.

As I was saying I have my good days and bad days when I come to miss my Dad but on the good days I manage to deal with it by pretending that he’s ok and I just haven’t seen or spoke to him for a while.

I’m not crazy, I do know what happened on that terrible day of July 7th but it’s my way of dealing with his absence. It helps me a great deal thinking this way rather than actually thinking about the reality of it all every day.

Dealing with the loss of a loved one is hard for anyone who has been through it – from losing a child, a friend, a sister, a parent and grandparent etc. Whoever you may have lost, there is always going to be that void – almost like a piece of you is missing.

I have found that it’s easier to talk about my Dad’s passing without turning into a blubbering mess everytime I mention it. Each time makes it easier to talk about. I have very fond memories of my Dad and it always helps to think about the times we had together whilst I was growing up.

I’ve only just recently opened up to Liam about MY WAY of dealing with my grief because at first I felt silly. Doing it this way has helped my sanity.

I’ve heard some people still talk to their loved one’s who have passed away as if they are still around with them – It may be that they are still around in spirit. If it helps then why not? Nobody should tell you how to grieve. Everyone deals with it in their own way.

I’ve often spoken to my Mum and she’s told me that she still feels my Dad’s presence around the house, and that he’s even moved objects or turned on lights. That would be my Dad for you – he loved playing tricks and winding my Mother up when he was alive, so he’s still doing it in spirit too!

I’m not sure what other people believe but I believe that he’s watching over me and making sure that I’m ok.

Grief is a bizarre thing – it’s always there with you but you find your own ways of managing it.

I know my Dad wouldn’t want me breaking down all the time and would just want me to be happy and make the most of my life. I aspire to be the best parent I can be just like he was to me. If I’m anything like him then I know I will make him proud.

 

If you have a particular way of dealing with grief after losing a loved one, I would like to hear from you. Feel free to comment in the comments section below.

 

If you liked this post please drop a like and share it with you friends! You can read similar posts as this one here.

 

-Zoe

Not Ready to Say Goodbye

Losing a family member is very difficult and can leave a lifetime worth of scars. Many of us can relate and it’s a dreadful thing to happen to anyone. My Dad was my world. I open up in this latest blog post to talk about his story and how he passed.

Losing a loved one is hard and I’m sure many of you can relate. I thought i’d share my story about how my worst nightmare came true when I lost my dad.

When I was growing up I was a typical teenager who always liked to disobey my parents. I always got on the wrong side of them many times but I was very close with my Dad (I was a daddy’s girl).

He was so laid back and easy to talk to (he put me in my place plenty of times when I was naughty though) but I’ve always felt like he just got me. We used to sit and watch the soaps with biscuits and would chat about the most random of topics.

He was very outspoken about everything and always made me laugh, and sometimes cringe, but occasionally he’d repeat the same conversation from a half hour before – i’d still listen and enjoy the quality time we spent together just me and him.


When My Dad Became Poorly The 1st Time

My Dad was a funny man who would make a lot of jokes and was quite healthy for his age. He enjoyed taking the dog for a walk everyday.

He seemed fine in himself, but one day he felt something wasn’t right, so went for a check up at the doctors.

I remember going to see him that day, walked in and everyone in the room fell silent. They considered the possibility that my Dad had Prostate Cancer. He went for a usual routine check and it came back positive.

I was absolutely devastated and petrified- I couldn’t imagine being without my Dad.

I held his hand and broke down in front of him.

‘What you crying over me for, silly?’  

That day our bond became stronger.

Ever since then he always came to me when he needed someone to talk to about how he felt (that was unusual for my dad, he always kept his feelings bottled up). As he battled through the Cancer (he had an op to remove his prostate), I would visit everyday to prop up his pillows and cook his meals to keep his strength up.


Improvements

My Dads health began to improve steadily and was starting to gain his energy back. He’d go for his monthly check ups and was then told eventually his Cancer had completely gone.

We were over the moon! I wouldn’t have to lose my role model, my inspiration, my Dad. I was relieved knowing that things were going to be okay.

A few years past and my Dad was his usual self enjoying life, spending time with the family and continued walking his dog. He’d also enjoy his alone time watching television and eating his biscuits (that’s only if I didn’t pop over).


Faiths Birthday

It was Faiths 7th birthday. The whole family came around to celebrate. I noticed that my Dad didn’t quite seem his usual cheerful self. He looked poorly again and had a nasty cough that didn’t shift and affected the way he was breathing.

It had me worried but he said he was okay and that he would head home and rest. I rang him later that night to check up on him – he still had that nasty cough and sounded breathless as he spoke.

I told him it was best to go and see a doctor about it (he ummed and arred for a while) but I managed to convince him to go.

They found a cyst in his lungs and they thought then and there that it could be Cancer again. My whole world came crashing down once again, but because he went through it before, I thought he could fight through it again.

As he went for further tests they found that the cyst had taken over the whole right side of his lungs and that was the reason he had become breathless.

He had Stage 4 Lung Cancer that had spread to his throat and nose. There was nothing they could do.

I knew I was going to lose him this time and I was heartbroken. They gave him medication to help him breath easier and suggested Chemotherapy and Radiotherapy to allow him more time, but because my Dad was stubborn and scared (he didn’t want to lose the remainder of his long silver hair – he’d call them his luscious locks) he refused to go.

zoe-and-dad-1.jpg


Saying No To Chemo

My Dad decided he did not want to have Chemotherapy or Radiotherapy and just wanted to spend the remainder of his time at home. We had to respect his wishes even though we wanted a way of saving him. We would have done anything for more time with him.

I went to visit as much as I could and spoke to him everyday over the phone. Even though it was nice to spend time with him, it was hard to see him deteriorate in front of my eyes. I tried to make the most of my time with him and he’d kept himself upbeat whilst I was there – he’d make inappropriate jokes to make us both laugh.

I had to hold back my tears every-time (he always told me off if I got upset over him – just the way he was).


A Week Passed By…

…and it was time to go to visit him again, but I wasn’t prepared for what I saw. He looked pale and was glued to the bed finding it hard to sit up.

He still managed to throw in his jokes to make us smile. My heart broke – I had no control – I couldn’t do anything about it and I wasn’t ready to lose him this quickly. It was cruel and I was angry!


Another Visit

I went to visit my Dad but this time was the hardest. He wasn’t himself and looked very frail. I couldn’t hold back my tears this time, it was too much!

I held his hand and told him how much I loved him.

He answered back and told me he was in pain and that he couldn’t live like this – he just wanted to die.

It was the hardest thing to hear in my life but I stifled a smile and made a joke needing him to be around until I get married. His reply back humoured me.

‘I ain’t going to live til i’m 90 Zo’ 

He was only 71. At least he still had a sense of humour.

As I left, he told me and Liam that he loved us both. I didn’t think it was going to be the last time I heard him say that.


The Flu Hit Our Household

It was that day again I was to visit my Dad, but this time I couldn’t go. The whole household fell ill to the dreaded flu. We couldn’t risk my Dad getting worse.

It was tough to have to stay away, but I thought i’d still have a chance to see him when we were all better. I didn’t realise how wrong I’d be.


A Phone Call I Didn’t Want To Hear

It was a normal day, I dropped the kids off at School and was about to sort Auroras breakfast out when I received a call. It was my Mum.

She was distraught and hurried me to come over. The panic set in and I broke down immediately. I rang Liam to hurry home. We needed to see my Dad before it was too late!

As I got everything ready to leave, I received another phone call, this time from my sister. She was crying uncontrollably.

That moment I knew it was too late. I didn’t get my chance to say goodbye. She urged us to come over straight away.

As I arrived at my Dads house, I saw my Mum collapse in the front doorway broken and in ruins. I knew then and there he was gone. I’ve never seen my Mum this way before.

I approached her. She looked at me, took my hand and uttered ‘you can’t go up on your own’. 

She slowly escorted me up the stairs and stopped me outside my Dads room. I composed myself to see my Dad. I was not ready for this. I went into the room and saw him lying there paralysed and still, so very still. I didn’t get to say goodbye. It was too late for me.

I kissed him on the forehead and told him I loved him. Everyone in the room broke down and I felt I had to be the strong one to hold everyone together. I put my grieving aside for the time-being to support everyone else. It felt like it was something I had to do.

4 weeks after being diagnosed, my Dad had passed and I so felt angry, broken and guilty I didn’t arrive sooner! I felt like I should have been there to hold his hand. Many thoughts run through my head even today –

Could I have done things differently? 

Did he know I loved him? 

Was he on his own? 

Did he think about me before he passed away? 

There is a huge hole in my heart since I lost my Dad and I think of him very often. Losing a loved one is really hard and can make you feel angry and unlike yourself. I still have days now where it’s hard to function, but I pull myself together for my kids and partner.

They keep me going and I truly wouldn’t know what i’d do without their love and support through the difficult times I’ve had over the past 6 months since he’d passed.

 

In Loving Memory of John Warren, My Dad.

Zoe and Dad 3

 

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-Zoe